every page of my life.

hello wello peeps, merry christmas! hope you had a great christmas :D i had mine peacefully at home, snuggling in bed, watching movie marathon all by myself. but i'm happy that way cause i hate crowds. and christmas means big big crowds on the street. when i think of christmas, all i think about is food food and food. HA christmas makes me feels like having a great feast. oh man, but i didnt. anyway, this year christmas aint so festive to me. and 2009 is ending too soon. i haven even send out or done any of my cards. :s oh wells, oh wells. no resolution and no lookbacks for this year. 'cause either they dont work or i have done too many. so hope everyone had a great 2009! i did. :D

hello world, i decided to peek my head out from my shell. sort some thoughts out, left some intrigued ones, and i have not done my way overdue cards. went for training ytd, i decided i'm gng for grading. we learned some self defence too. it feels good to sweat after months of non-exercise. yay to tkd! the girls gathering today, initial plan for picnic at barrage fail due to wet weather. ended up our picnic was at a corner of shing's place, ha. catch up a lot and looking back, i think we did talk a lot.

life aint as great as others may think it is after 'A's. i feel like saying no when people goes like, "hey, enjoying your holiday uh?" but i wont, i mean what else could you say, when you dont know as much as the other person dont. i'm feeling way more confused and lost after As then before. maybe i need a purpose, an aim, a deadline, something big for me to anticipate. it kinda seems like i'm being rushed into deciding my future. "so what do you want to be?" "so which scholarship are you applying for?" when i doubt i can even get one. "so what are you planning to study?" if i can get into university, if i get good results. which all pretty much sums up to one big question mark. the future looks way too blur. it gets on my nerve sometimes, these thoughts worries me. i wish i was young again, we all do on some point of time. carefree is the feeling, which we no longer feel nowadays. and i miss it, a whole load. sigh,...

i didnt know why i skip it today, or maybe i do. it was the fear i had, i guess deep down i always knew i would. maybe it wasnt such a big deal to others, but it was to me. always has been, maybe always will be. the idea just stuck with me the whole time even before i signed up. at times like this i hate myself. for being so weak, for the need for someone to push me, for being a failure. i knew guilt follows right after that, but people always tend to choose the easy way out, dont we? we made decisions we knew we will regret after, but we still do. it's life's one big irony. i think i need a stronger will. sigh, i need a getaway, a long one. feeling too much ridiculous anger nowadays, for reasons i dont even know myself. feel like mia-ing. probably a week?

a walk down haji lane, crazy laughters due to the guitar curse. 6 fingers, O.M.G, etc. i guess we all need a break from our lives. sometimes the smile doesnt reach the eyes.

so prom ended, surprisingly quite fun i may add. wells, after fretting about for the right dress, right hair, right makeup, right shoes, right accessories, basically right everything, i realise prom was a little more than just that. because simply it was the last. and the power of the word last is bigger than what you perceived. took photos and all with lots of people. some are dear but i know i wont see after. some are keepers and i know whom we will make an effort to see each other after. some are friends for years and i know will continue for years after. was watching the video on events in our jc life, and so many memories flew past my mind. it was like seeing my life for the past two years flashing before my eyes except i wasnt going to die, obviously. i wasnt kidding when i said i felt like crying, ha. sometimes i think i'm too sentimental for my own good. it felt just like yesterday when i stepped into jj wondering if i made the right choice, when i went to or...

"confusion is the beginning of understanding, discomfort is the beginning of a skill."

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” -Neil Gaiman