every page of my life.

all that unpublished published.

so it's the 30th, check. last paper done, check. jumped for joy in jovial, blank. screamed out loud in euphoria, blank. i thought i will be damn damn happy 'cause the big As is over. but all i feel is just a sort of numbness. i have no idea why, but oh wells. at least it's over, a big rock off my heart till the result day. so now i can fall back into my book world and do whatever i want till i'm pleased. except that i'm utterly broke ttm, and i badly need money. prom and my wants wants wants. it's funny how when you finally tasted freedom, it doesnt taste as sweet as you had imagined.

dear someone, i wrote down things i wanna do after 'A's. Then i reread it and felt that it wasnt much. so i push it aside, daydreamed about the faraways. then finally fall back to reality and hit the books. somewhere inside i felt kind of empty, a tugging feeling i couldnt quite explain. Is uncertainty pulling on the strings of my heart?

new found understanding tonight, i made a random promise with doreen. if we have no bf when we are 21, then we will buy tao huey for each other. hah, 3 years seem far, but it isnt. things changes, time passes. at this night, i feel like i'm still young. for the very first time in a while. lifting off the stress society placed on my heart, i can breathe and feels like my future is there. shining and bright, waiting for me to discover. our road is still long.

i like long walks under the just right sun, just me, my music and my thoughts. i like long bus rides, few passengers, me alone by the window, with the sun shining in, watching the sceneries fly past, and engage in my random ideas. i like quiet trips to my library with not much people, music plugged softly into my ears, eyes scanning the shelves, stopping occassionally to enjoy my favourite beats, and enjoy the peacefulness i feel in my self created world. when the going gets tough, these are my heart's only desires.

sometimes i think i'm selfish. i knew it but i pretended i didnt. because i wanted things to stay the same as it is. can't we just stay as friends? i thought to myself. was i too cruel, to deny you before you could speak? sometimes i know i'm wrong. because avoidance simply isnt the key nor the solution. yet, i picked this path that i knew will make us further and further. when pretence fail, when things become too obvious, i chose to escape. and i know too well i was being selfish again. maybe i was saving myself from the hurt, but i wasnt saving you.

do you have the magic touch? i had, once i did. i still remember that feeling. you feel your own lips turning up unknowingly. it felt good, it did. when you tap someone, and there he turns and instantly an automatic smile lights up with recognition.

Prologue: "Everyone has something that they haven't seen before in this world. It's something very kind and sweet. If they saw it, everyone would probably want it. That is why the world hid the thing, so people can not easily obtain it. One day, someone will find it. Only that one person will obtain it. It is something like this." Epilogue: "There's something in this world that no one has seen before. It is gentle and sweet. Maybe if it could be seen, everyone would fight over it. That's why no one has ever seen it. The world hid it so that no one could get their hands on it easily. However, someday, someone will find it. The person who deserves it the most will definitely find it. This is how it's created. " -toradora it even started and ended with the same scene.

"Then how do we dance? We hold hands and look at each other, then we go in circles till we get tired. " -toradora

3 days, 3 fateful days then the race starts. i really dont know why i'm not preparing myself well for the race. overconfidence? complancency? or just plain stupidity? i know, & i know well i will definitely look back and regret that i didnt do enough or anyth much at all. and that's what irks me now. it's ironic how i'm feeling stressed from not studying and yet i'm not studying. it's this feeling of restlessness and stress that i dislike, plus that sense of lost. i gotta a feeling that i dont know where to start. i wasnt like that during the 'o's. i guess it's a whole different story now. since it's ordinary and advanced.