every page of my life.

there's only one thing i want to say now. i seriously feel like vomitting. damn, i've been feeling like that since i came home. it must be something i ate today at jp. was supposed to watch benjamin button with my sis but the showtime was 10pm and the duration of the film was 3 hours so that left us with no transport home after the show. in the end, we didnt watch. anyway i was already feeling unwell and duper tired. it was like the longest friday ever from 8 to 6pm with extra lesson. and today it such an emotional day, i saw so many tears here and there, scoldings this and that. must be a lousy day today for everyone. but after school which was 6+pm was kinda fun. a little relaxing and a little excited while i watched the owens j1s and j2s fight at tug-of-war. & of course j2 owned as someone said. i'm still contemplating whether to go to the sentosa outing tmr. i'm so tired i feel like lazing the whole day at home and do nothing. the holidays dont seem to come fast...

i saw a double rainbow in school today. it was totally beautiful! must be my lucky day! :DD there's a second rainbow which is lighter if you look closely.

thank goodness it was friday yesterday. TGIF! it had been such a stressful week with so many tests and homework to catch up that it was by far the least hated friday yesterday. furthermore, there was the anticipated drama fest after school. so friday ytd was bearable. we went to the photonics lab during physics tutorial ytd. it was pretty cool and i took photo with mr skeleton inside which was irrelevant to physics. also, pc was pretty relaxing ytd with only four rounds so that we could be let off early to do to drama fest. anyway, drama fest was great! i truly enjoyed myself with the other leaders' company. compared to last year, i like this year drama fest better. coz i could recognise most of the ppl acting in it and it is fun to see your friend being so dramatic acting on stage and supporting them. then we took down all the banners for orientation around sch. :( the huge pd block banner was already down on wednesday. then jiaxin, kelman and i was lying on the field at night and...

havent been in the best of health recently, or in fact the past two months. i rmb i was sick before orientation camp, then i got a little better. now it get worse again. i lost my voice previously after orientation. fever ytd, cough and flu today. gahhh, irritating. and i scalded my hand and smash the entire conical flask on the floor today during chemistry practical, quite a shock. but out of all those, the good thing is i lost weight after camp. :D keeping my eye on that silver lining, yea? i wanna recover my health really soon, hopefully miraculously without seeing a doctor. and i'm gonna hit those books everyday man, two hours a day hopefully, pull me back on track. i'm like lagging behind in every single subject. focus, lie low & dont get distracted.

goodness, can you believe i slept all the way through valentine's day & probably most of today? orientation is a whole load of thoughts and a whole big blur in my head. contradicting, i know but there were so many thoughts and things-to-do in my head at every moment that now i cant remember everything well. so indeed this is the last camp i will ever attend as a leader in jj. i didnt ever for a minute regret joining this orientation even when things got really tough. honestly this camp is tough to me. with the serious lack of manpower, it is really literally one ogl to per group in our family while the other is attache. there was nobody to rely to in my og but myself. but we really pull through and i really felt the support in our family. the first day was seriously tough, it was when i felt that i wasnt good enough as an ogl and i felt like crying out loud at several moments. og19 was quite a divided bunch at first coz there were some who just came from china who cant really s...

goodness, camp is tmr. i'm partly nervous, partly afraid, partly excited, partly ready and partly not ready. there's so many things left undone plus i really need to catch some sleep. my eyebags are like horrible. undone homeworks, pack bag, tests, class fund, campers' gifts, vday gifts. it's a long long list. i kind of want orientation to come soon and i kind of not want it to end so fast. ironic, i know. so today hoho asked me why i wanted to join ogl. and i replied him that 'cause i like it. such a simple reason but true. i like talking to the j1 naturally, strike up a conversation just like that. i like getting to know all the new faces, talking about random things. i like working as a family, a whole team of ogls. it just makes me happy. :D i want to be the best that i can be, and live my life with strength and dignity. i may stumble and fall but if i give it my all, then i'll stand tall with dignity 'cause i tried to be the best that i can be.

i just realised it's february, and then it suddenly hit me, where did january go?! i dont even rmb what were i doing in january. & valentine's day is coming. i dont know if i will have time to do gifts. the past week had be hectic with the j1 arrival and the admin days. but this year j1 had been great, og11 are a cute bunch though the girls are all more quiet. at least nobody dao-ed me, they were all quite cooperative. & shazwan totally saved me. what can i say? just that i'm not good enough. anyway, i felt sad when my campers transferred out. you know that they will be better off when they go to where they are supposed to, but you cant help to want them to stay. sigh & thurs and fri were happy days in such a long time. changed to sec sch uniforms and exchanged uniforms, reminds me of pae days. :D it is tough, nobody said it's not. with our limited number, we have to give our all and more.

so how was orientation? was it fun? people always ask me this question whenever i go. and it always kind of disturbs me which i have no idea why. perhaps because i think that orientation isnt all about fun to the ogls, it comes with loads more responsibilities and thoughts than fun. perhaps because i think orientation represents hours and hours of our hard work and it cant be describe with just a word, fun. perhaps because our goal isnt always about us having all the fun but really to impact the j1 and make them feel welcome and willing to stay in jj. perhaps, perhaps. if you ask me this question again, i still wouldnt know how to answer. cause whenever someone asks me this question, loads of thoughts go through my head which i cant exactly descibe to them and they wont exactly understand. i feel so many things but cant express them out, cause they just dont understand. the feeling when you dont belong, i just cant safely say i do.

i'm suddenly very nervous and afraid about tmr. i'm scared i'm not good enough. i'm scared of facing rejections from the campers. i'm scared i dont know how to talk to my campers. i'm scared i cant keep the smile on my face. i'm scared i cant keep up my spirit. last minute cold feet.

just reached home a while ago. we stayed in sch from 8am to 11+pm just now. but i'm quite happy and proud. proud of the 25banners. especially the pd block huge banner. it's like a historical moment when it was hung up. and i'm proud of my unicorn too. i keep staring at it when i'm in the hall. the campers are coming on monday. i'm both scared and excited. once again, i'm covered with paint. but i like painting with everybody else. in a way, it's a whole large bonding session. and this may be the last time. i never regret joining though it's duper busy and tired. go, jj OGLs! :D